A Mostly Fractured Take On Current Events

Obama Needs To Check His Flux Capacitor, It Seems To Be Stuck

In Essays on December 23, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Albert Einstein himself wouldn’t have believed it. What was once considered mere scientific theory, President Barack Obama has now made real: Time travel. When Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009, I didn’t think he would ever top that achievement. Sure, his deft handling of the Beer Summit was impressive. That is, until Joe Biden started doing shots and singing “Margaritaville.”

And when Obama created “Recovery Summer,” we all thought the economy was umm…recovering. Unfortunately, that was followed by something called “Relapse Fall.” So it was with great shock when I learned that our president has now invented a way to go back in time. Until now, the ability to harness time travel was only possible in the movies. Who could forget when Doc Brown used a time-traveling DeLorean in “Back To The Future?” Obama’s method of time travel isn’t nearly as cool. He uses a ballpoint pen. But it works. When the president signed the hilariously titled “Stimulus Bill” in 2009, his intention was to help America move forward. Or something. But the opposite actually happened. And thus began a string of wacky time traveling jumps back to the past. My first memory of visiting the past happened last year. I was reviewing my pay stub, and the amount seemed small. I’m sorry, did I say “small?” I meant hideously small. Somehow, my salary had reverted back to what I was making in 2002. The newspaper had run a story about how everyone’s pay was declining. But it all seemed like a giant typo or a mistake. And it was. It turns out I had actually visited the year 2002. This wasn’t as bad as you think. A world without Twitter and “Dancing With The Stars” was surprisingly peaceful. But it didn’t last. Shortly after that jump, I journeyed back further. I had faintly remembered losing my job in the year 2009. At the time, Obama assured me that the Stimulus Bill would create all of these wonderful new jobs. But strangely, unemployment seemed to linger at 9 percent. This seemed like a contradiction. For a man who once claimed to have a “laser-like focus on jobs,” his vision now seemed clouded by cataracts. It just couldn’t be real. Oops! Silly me. Obama’s magic pen had taken me back to the year 1983 when unemployment was really at 9 percent. Apparently throwing money at unemployment wasn’t yet in vogue when “Dynasty” was all the rage. Going back in time was exhausting. I wasn’t sure whether I could handle another leap. But then it happened. All of the sudden, I was surrounded by bell bottoms and disco pants. Yep, it sure looked like 1977. In addition to the strong opinions people had about the Bee Gees, they also had some very negative opinions about their country in general. They didn’t think it was headed in the right direction. It’s funny because I could have sworn that people in my time held similar views. But again, it was just Obama doing his best imitation of Jimmy Carter. The impression was spot on. But I wish he would stop. The effect is something like that of kryptonite to economic prosperity. About the only thing Obama can’t seem to do is go forward in time. But that’s a lot to expect, even from a president. Thankfully, the voters can pick up the slack and fill in the missing pieces. When I look at what has happened with wages, unemployment, and America’s rotten mood, I can almost see the future in perfect clarity. The year is 2013, and Obama is not residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue but rather is a footnote in the history books.

© 2011 Pat Hester


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