A Mostly Fractured Take On Current Events

Five Objects That Are More Imposing Than Iran’s Navy

In Current Events on January 3, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Today, the Iran Navy threatened the United States with “severe action” if the U.S. brings an aircraft carrier into the Persian Gulf. When I heard about this, I immediately asked myself, “What are they demanding?”  And also, “Iran has a navy?  Yes, it’s true!  Iran’s navy isn’t large but it is scrappy and resourceful.  The biggest challenge facing them isn’t a lack of ships but rather the always vexing question of which side is “port” and which is “starboard”? Thank God for coin flips. But don’t kid yourself.  If challenged, they could easily lead an invasion on several floating buoys in the Persian Gulf.

In the spirit of this news, here are 5 water-based objects that are more imposing than Iran’s Navy:

#5) Somali Pirate Vessels- You know the world is coming to an end when captains of 100,000 ton oil tankers surrender to men on rafts built with Lincoln logs and duct tape.

#4) Lilly pads- MYTH: Beautiful accessories to Monet paintings. REALITY: These green leafy objects are responsible for more shipwrecks every year than any other source. Just ask the captain of the Titanic.

#3) The Edmund Fitzgerald- True, this ship sank in Lake Superior in 1975. So, it’s not so imposing now. But Gordon Lightfoot’s tune, “The Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald” can cause insanity if listened to more than once.

#2) Slip N’ Slide Toy- While not technically an object found in the water, this water slide toy was the source of countless lawsuits and recalls because of its dangerous design. If only Iran’s ships could muster the same level of terror.

#1) The giant “Jaws” shark prop at Universal Studios- As a kid, I nearly wet my pants after seeing this fake shark pop its head out of the water at me. If Iran had a floating armada of mechanical sharks at its disposal, the common reaction would be fear. Instead, when people see the Iran Navy today, their first reaction is, “Oh, that’s cute.”

© 2012 Pat Hester


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