A Mostly Fractured Take On Current Events

Five Ways Mitt Romney Could Blow It In New Hampshire

In Current Events on January 6, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Last week, Mitt Romney won the Iowa Caucus by 8 votes.  To me, this seemed like a hollow victory. But then I learned only 9 people actually live in the state of Iowa. It must’ve been hard for them to pick a candidate so early in the election cycle. They wanted to weigh all of the issues but got tired of watching campaign ads. So in the end I think they just picked whoever could eat the most pancakes at some local diner. Surprisingly, Michele Bachmann came in second by consuming 96 flapjacks. Romney now must head to New Hampshire for the primary on January 10th. He has a commanding lead but victory is far from certain. Here are five ways that Romney could blow it in New Hampshire.

1) A Scandal– Politicians routinely get tripped up by scandals involving sex or some other indiscretion. For Romney, the airing of his dirty laundry could be much more damaging. The New York Times uncovered a potential bombshell that could alter the race as we know it: It turns out the name Mitt is actually short for “Mittzie.” If true, Mitt should hire a good P.R. firm for damage control.

2) A Gaffe– Mitt’s usually a really good speaker. He doesn’t make many mistakes. One area he could be vulnerable in is presidential traditions. Every Thanksgiving, the president pardons the presidential turkey in a White House ceremony. But Mitt has hinted at reversing this trend: “I’ll be damned if my holiday meal stops because of some cute bird…Off with his head!”   Tread lightly when talking about turkeys.

3) Money Problems– By all accounts, Mitt has more money than God.  But this could give him a false sense of security. Instead of investing in social media, Mitt poured the entire Iowa budget into skywriting. His message was simple: “Mitt Will Right The Ship!” Unfortunately, strong winds manipulated the text to read, “Mitt Doesn’t Give A Sh*t!”  Total Loss: $22 Million.

4) An Upstart Challenger–  Sometimes all the preparation in the world can’t save you from a strong opponent. Rick Santorum increased his appeal because he changed his position on tax policy. As a result he became more likeable to voters. But in some cases the makeover would have to be more extreme. For Newt Gingrich to become more likeable, he would have to invent a cure for cancer, save a baby from a burning building and come in no lower than 2nd in Dancing With The Stars.

5) Bad Directions– Reading a map is hard. That’s why most candidates rely on GPS technology. Unfortunately, due to its small size, New Hampshire isn’t listed on any GPS device. If Mitt can’t find New Hampshire, how can he shake hands and kiss babies there? Making a wrong turn will cost you this election. In 1988, Michael Dukakis thought he was in New Hampshire but he actually ended up lost in Newfoundland because he couldn’t fold a map. Lesson learned.

© 2012 Pat Hester

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