A Mostly Fractured Take On Current Events

Five Miracles Tim Tebow Will Perform Against New England

In Current Events on January 13, 2012 at 12:37 am

Earlier this year, Harris Polls conducted a study that found “Pro Football” as the most popular sport in the United States. Regrettably, Pro Shuffleboard failed to make the list again. It’s easy to see why the NFL resonates so well in this country. Fans enjoy exciting plays, hard-hitting action, and the 400% markups on official team merchandise. I think an overlooked part of the game’s appeal is its spiritual side, too. Pro football’s history is littered with biblical references like the Hail Mary pass, the Immaculate Reception, and grown men screaming a variation of God’s name at their T.V. sets. So it’s fitting the game has a new holy man in Tim Tebow. In honor of Tim, here are five miracles he will perform Saturday night against New England.

1) He’ll beat the Patriots– Out of all the miracles, this is the most blatantly obvious. I used to be a doubter but I learned not to question Tim Tebow’s powers back in November. During a timeout against the Chiefs, Tim brokered a Middle East peace deal from the sidelines using nothing but positive thinking and a rosary. Also, opposing teams have yet to figure out Tim’s complex snap count. Of course, it’s not really a snap count, per se. It’s just Tim speaking in tongues.

2) He’ll convert his teammates to Christianity– I suspect that Tim’s teammates support our Constitution’s separation of church and football clause. And they would probably reject being forced to join the church against their will. But they may not have a choice in this case. Historically, the Denver Broncos have celebrated big football wins by pouring champagne on eachothers’ heads in the locker room as a sign of victory. Tim will secretly empty his bottle of Dom Perignon and replace it with Holy Water. After the win over Pittsburgh last week, Tim baptized his entire offensive line without them even knowing it.

3) He’ll make the Doobie Brothers popular again.- They say familiarity breeds contempt. I can’t remember a time when Ozzy Osbourne’s song “Crazy Train” didn’t get played before every kickoff in the NFL. Even though it’s not technically possible, I bet even Johnny Unitas had to listen to it back in the 50’s. That tune needs to be retired. Thankfully, Tim Tebow has other plans. By his request, he’ll ask the P.A. announcer to play “Jesus Is Just Alright With Me” every time the Broncos kick the ball.

4) He’ll throw a 60-yard pass…to himself. – Tim’s passing skills leave a lot to be desired. In fact, placekickers throughout the league are always jealous of Tim because his passes have a more pronounced “end-over-end” movement than their punts do. But Tim is a good runner and in this game he’ll run like he’s being chased by several cheetahs. Basically, Tim’s playbook has but one play: “Everybody?…block for me.” For Tim so loved the world that he sacrificed his only chance at a completion to be a ball-hog and run an additional 23 yards.

5) He’ll make time stand still– Usually, football players fear the two minute warning because it signifies the game is almost over. Tim fears a different time. When the game clock reads 3:16, Tim enters a bizarre trance for what seems like hours and mumbles off some biblical passages. Unfortunately, the NFL implemented a strict time limit on game preaching last year. Much like the Oscars, all speeches are cut off after two minutes.

© 2012 Pat Hester


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