A Mostly Fractured Take On Current Events

Five Worst Foods Invented To Fight High Cholesterol

In Current Events on April 24, 2012 at 4:48 pm

The reason I like my doctor is that he’s an optimist. This is noteworthy since most doctors aren’t taught good bedside manners at Med School. Most are taught how to deliver a bad diagnosis or charge $850 for a Band-Aid. But my doc is upbeat. His positive outlook was evident last month as I had my cholesterol checked. Although it was high, the results were delivered with some hope: “Well, the bad news is that you have high cholesterol. But the good news is that you can change this by adhering to a strict diet of bland, odorless solids. 

He’s always looking on the bright side.

In addition to his optimism, I appreciate my doctor’s blunt delivery. He didn’t mince words when he told me that I had to start making sacrifices in my life. I agreed with him. But only to a point. To me, a “sacrifice” is something profound like when a guy serves his country by fighting in a foreign land. Or maybe it’s when a mom works three jobs so she can feed her kid. In my case, agreeing to cut Oreos and cupcakes from my diet isn’t a sacrifice but more like an absurd truth, an awkward realization that I still have the food preferences of a six-year-old.

Ten years ago my medical condition would have been a mere bump in the road. Now, when I tell someone I have high cholesterol, I face their pride. They brag about their own cholesterol score in a way that’s almost weird. I get the impression it’s their life’s biggest achievement. If you met such a person, they would declare, “It’s nice to meet you. My cholesterol score is well under 200! Oh…and I guess I’m also the father of two kids, or something.”

Yes, I need to make dietary changes. But in my early research, I’ve come across some pretty hideous creations. Is this the path to good health or a recipe for madness? There must be a better way forward. For those facing the battle, here are the five worst foods invented to fight high cholesterol:

1) Turkey Burgers: This food item is the final piece in man’s troubled evolution. In prehistoric times, rugged cavemen ate brontosaurus burgers and were respected by their cavewomen. Cowboys ate hamburgers and cowgirls fawned over them. I think if I eat something called a turkey burger, I’ll have to turn in my man card because, my God, game over.

2) Fish Tacos: A combination so historically bad that it’s featured in a passage from the Bible: “Give a man a fish taco and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to substitute fish instead of meat and you run the risk of being punched by that man.”

3) Spinach Smoothies: My nutrition adviser provided some interesting facts about beverages. To my shock, thick chocolate shakes provide no apparent health benefit. To nobody’s surprise, spinach smoothies taste about as good as drinking seaweed directly from the ocean.

4) Veggie Pizza: The government spends millions of dollars telling us that drinking and driving don’t mix. But I’ve yet to see a single public service announcement warn me about the dangers of combining broccoli to pizza. To make matters worse, this thing is served cold, you know, the way nobody intended!

5) Sunflower Seeds: I find it odd that people are amazed by the health benefits of seeds. Not that they aren’t healthy. Most likely, they are. But seeds violate my rule of never eating anything that you could also place in a garden apparatus. Bon appétit!

© 2012 Pat Hester


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